Sday... Growing into motherhood
As a "mother in waiting," I don't think I was ever prepared for the flood of emotions that have swept over me as I've begun this journey of discovery. I took such pride in reading all the "how to" books I could get my grubby hands on. I thought it would somehow prepare me for everything parenthood could throw my direction. I tried to memorize all the developmental milestones and prepare myself to meet the needs of every single whimper. My first few days of motherhood when we were still in California and Layla was still in the NICU, every moment I had with her is etched into my memory perfectly. But the first few months at home left a hazy blur across my mind as the overwhelming reality of motherhood settled into my daily life. All along I had assumed that because I had the innate desire to be a mother it would translate into my natural ability to great at it.
Instead, I realized that I wasn't as natural as I had expected. But with a lot of self reflection, prayers to my Heavenly Father and wonderful conversations with other new mothers, I'm letting go of the self criticism. I'm trying to stop judging myself and accept that it's just who I am. I'm not naturally an easy going "whatever" kind of mom. My natural tendency is to worry about everything being perfect, because I love Layla so much. However, over the last few months I've learned that I probably won't always recognize exactly what Layla needs and exactly when she needs it. That's not what makes me a good mom. What's important is my absolute ability to love Layla and grow into my own skills of motherhood. I'm taking joy in the smallest moments and learning that it's OK that I'll never be a worry-free mom. My awkward moments are becoming more infrequent. My mothering strengths are beginning to unfold from within myself instead of from inside a book. It's different then I expected, but better because it's real. Every day I get a little better and I'm discovering my mothering identity and learning to love what I find.
4 Responses:
You are such a good mom! I love watching you with Layla. Let's get together this week.
I totally agree, it's different from what I expected too and sometimes so hard. Good thing we get to practice every day.
I love your picture. Your daughter is absolutely adorable!
you are a lovely. and an amazing mama cita. let's be real. being a mom is hard work. and we are all learning. that's fo sho. we are coming to utah and wouldn't even dream of skipping out on seeing the day fam. we are trying to get together with the day's, taylor's, tolbert's and us. it's a partaaay in the usa.
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